I take a deep breath and close my eyes. In my mind I summon an image of myself as a child. My muscles relax. I open my eyes and see her sitting on the chair across from me. I smile and she flashes a toothy smile back at me. My heart swells as I take in her aura of innocence and childhood, her vulnerability and sense of possibility wrapped up in her gangly, skinny limbs.
She stares at me with her big brown eyes, her face framed by hair that reaches her lower back. I look at her with compassion and understanding. She is my past and I am her future. I know the challenges she will face as she leaves childhood behind. I know the doubts and insecurities that will embed themselves in her mind and carve her into the adult she will become.
She looks at me expectantly, a question shining in her wide eyes. I see, behind the veil of childhood innocence, a sense of uncertainty, of confusion. I see the beginnings of anxiety and low self-esteem, a weed that tangles itself deep in her young mind. As she swings her legs self-consciously, I take another deep breath.
I tell her what she needs to hear.
You are loved. You are important and you matter. Even though things at home are confusing, even though everything has changed and your Dad spends more time in hospital than he does at work, and your Mum seems tied up in keeping everything together, even though words like mental illness and Dad get put in the same sentence, know that it will be okay.
There are things you are too young to understand, but know that you have not been abandoned or forgotten. In time, things will get better. There is no need to be afraid. You may not understand why your Dad has changed, but hold on. As you grow, you will see the incredible strength he has. Same as your Mum. They have given you their fighting spirit. Start to work on your relationship with them now. Mend that gap that has developed between you and your Dad. One day they will be gone and that will hurt more than you care to know.
Start to open up, share your feelings instead of keeping them hidden in your heart. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. Be proud. You are stronger than you think you are. You are loved more than you think you are. Be brave and be kind to yourself. Don’t waste too many years listening to the mean voice in your head that says are alone and unworthy.
Never give up, keep on moving forward and always remember…it will be okay! YOU will be okay!
Her eyes are shining, burning bright. Reassured, she relaxes her small shoulders. I move to embrace her, knowing that this is what she needed. To have arms wrapped around her, telling her it will all be okay. I reach for her but then she is gone. All that is left is my adult self.
I will be okay.
Liked this ‘What If?’ post? You can find another one here.
Hello& welcome to my blog, What If Warrior
Here you will find my multi-topic blog, told from my humble point of view. I write from the heart; for me, self-expression comes easier through written words. If you would like to read more about my inspiration for this blog, click here.